Today is my son's 11th birthday in Heaven. He was born on this day 11 years ago and died one short breath later. A lot of you may know of this due to my dear friends' tribute, In Honor of Lucas at snoring scholar. It has been 11 years since I held my son, only after he had already gone to be with Jesus in Heaven. He was delivered by emergency c-section and only when I came to (they had to put the frantic mother under heavy anesthetic instead of just a local) did I get the chance to say goodbye. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to sit and write about my experience, one day when I have the time/energy to just let it all out.
I find that it is not only on his birthday that I get emotional but any day. It may be that I am picking up the kids from school and looking over at 5th grade and thinking I should be picking my son up from there. It may be that I am talking among friends dealing with boy problems that I should have similar experience. It may be that I am driving down the road minding my own business and hear a song on the radio and burst into tears. It's not just his birthday that I miss him, it is everyday.
I am not a basket case.....I have two beautiful girls that I am truly blessed to have. I also have another son in Heaven, for the same reasons. Dr's can't give a straight answer only that there were multiple problems. Some suggested a spinal disease, some a muscular one, still others listed things that I won't even try to pronounce! It just surfaces on his birthday, almost like I am allowed to grieve on this day.
It has been a good day, I did what I do everyday. I wake up, remind myself that this isn't a dream and realize what good God has brought into my life, including my two sons. I never understood why they say you should thank God, even for the "bad" things that happen in life. I still don't understand fully but I do thank God, for all things in my life, good and (what I think are) bad.
With God all things are possible.
2 comments:
Oh Susan, I am so very touched by what you wrote. I think we get reminders of our grief, and in our lives, as we journey, we become better people - more compassionate, more understanding, more able to be HUMAN in the best sense of the word - as we share the grief. There is never any "getting over it," and I want to just say that I think of your boys - and of Darren - all the time too. I think of it most when I see a certain glimmer in Hubby's eyes, and when I hear about abortions and especially this new hot topic of baby euthanasia. I think of the blessing - yes blessing - that this experience has been in my life. And I wonder, do you think Mother Mary, at the foot of the cross, knew then what a blessing the experience would be? OK, maybe SHE did, but what about the Apostle John, or Saint Peter? This experience you have had with your boys, which has left you an altogether changed person, has touched so many other people - people you do not know. Go to the comments section of my post and see. I cannot speak of it without the snot volcano effect (blogs are wonderful things), but I can tell you, from afar, that we send you prayers and hugs, and we THANK YOU for bearing the burden. God must really love you, to trust you with the responsibility you have. God must really love me, to put someone like you in my life, to be my shining inspiration and ongoing reminder. LOVE YOU!
Susan, I almost lost my son at birth. Thankfully, your experience is one I cam close to having, but never actually had.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Prayers
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